Stuff Hospital Staff Shouldn’t Say (and What to Say to Someone in Labor)
“You’re only 3 cm.”
Maybe you heard it during your own birth. Maybe a friend told you about it, and you could hear in her voice that it still stung.
If a comment from your birth is still sitting with you, you’re not alone. Words spoken in the labor room tend to stick. Something that feels casual on a regular Tuesday shift can shape how a mom remembers the day her baby was born.
This isn’t an anti-hospital or anti-nurse conversation. We’re so grateful for the nurses and providers we work alongside. It’s about language, consent, and respectful care. Below, we share what to say to someone in labor, the phrases we’d love to retire, and a few simple questions that help you advocate for yourself during labor.
Why words matter so much in the labor room
Labor is one of the most vulnerable places a person can be. She’s working hard, she’s often exhausted, and she’s taking in every word around her.
What we’re seeing is that moms carry these words for years, the hard ones and the beautiful ones. Years after her twins were born, Stephanie chased one of her labor nurses down a grocery store aisle just to say thank you. She tells the whole story on the episode, and it’s a sweet reminder of why this matters.
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The trouble with "only"
“Only” tells a mom she isn’t moving fast enough. So do comments like “You still have a long way to go” or “You think this is bad?” What helps instead is the information without the opinion:
- “Progress is progress.”
- “Your body is doing the work.”
- “Here’s where things are right now.”
Our clients know that if they text us “I’m 3 cm,” we’re popping the imaginary champagne. (You can hear just how excited we get in the episode.)
When support turns into dismissal
If you’ve ever described what you were feeling in labor and been brushed off, we see you. “Just relax,” “You’re fine,” and “Everyone feels that” can leave a mom feeling unheard right when she needs to be heard most.
Everyone copes differently. Both of us are loud, talkative people, and we both went completely inward in labor. There’s no right way to cope. What can help here is curiosity: “Tell me more about that” or “Does this feel different from before?”
What real consent sounds like
“I’m going to check your cervix so we can see where we’re at” is a statement, not a question. In our experience, there’s very little ill intent behind it. Staff are busy and focused, and when someone gently speaks up, most nurses pause and rephrase. We’ve watched that shift happen more and more, and it’s a beautiful thing.
When we hear that kind of statement, we turn to our client and ask: “Are you okay with having your cervix checked right now?” On the podcast, we walk through exactly how this plays out in the room.
Asking or telling: a simple yellow flag
Treat “I’m going to…” as a yellow flag. It’s okay to kindly ask, “Are you asking or telling?” And it shouldn’t all be on the laboring mom. A great prep task for partners: turn any statement about her body or baby into a question for her, just like a doula would.
Feel Heard in Labor!
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Hospital policy vs. medical recommendation
“You’re not allowed to” can feel very final. Some limits have real safety reasons. If you have an epidural, getting out of bed isn’t safe. What we’d love to hear more often is: “Here’s why we’re recommending against that.” Share the benefits and risks so a mom can agree on her own terms.
In any “not allowed” moment, these questions help:
- “Can you explain why?”
- “Is this hospital policy or your medical recommendation?”
- “Are there alternatives?”
Even when the answer is no, you deserve to understand why.
If a nurse is rude or dismissive
Most clumsy comments come from busy, caring people. If something feels off, ask for clarification, let your partner or doula step in, or ask to talk with the charge nurse. Knowing what to do if a nurse is rude ahead of time can help you feel steadier in the moment.
Your Partners want to help
Partners want to help so badly. The simplest tip is to read the room. A long labor isn’t the moment for “I’m so tired” or “How much longer?” If you’re curious, ask your doula or a nurse in the hallway.
If you’re looking for encouraging words for labor, start simple: “I’m right here,” “You’re doing a great job,” and “I’m so proud of you.” Our Birth Affirmation Cards have 50 more, made by moms for moms, with a digital version a partner can pull up on a phone.
The power of quiet support
Learning how to support your partner during labor sometimes means saying nothing at all. Hold her hand, brush her hair from her face, offer ice chips, and handle the family group text so she doesn’t have to. Partners, this part of Episode 58 is a great one to listen to together before birth.
A doula can help you advocate for yourself during labor
Learning how to advocate for yourself during labor is a lot to hold in the middle of contractions. Our birth doula team supports hospital, birth center, and home births. We turn statements into questions, celebrate every centimeter, and work alongside nurses and providers as one team. If you want to talk it through, schedule a free consultation.
The goal isn't a perfect birth
That doesn’t exist. The goal is for you to feel informed, respected, heard, and supported. And to the nurses and providers reading this: you don’t need perfect words every time. We appreciate you more than you know.
There’s so much more in the full conversation, including the stories behind each phrase and how nurses respond when someone speaks up. Grab your headphones and listen to Episode 58 of the Mom2Mom Podcast, Stuff Hospital Staff Shouldn’t Say. It’s a great one to share with your partner, too.
And if you’d like someone in your corner on birth day, helping you ask questions and feel heard, we’d love to talk. Schedule a free consultation with our team. We’re in this with you.
Thank you for Being Here!
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